"Abby Doesn't Know Shit" / "Dear Crackity" (Vol. 1)

Two things have recently come to my attention:
(1) There seem to be a lot of confused, lost people in the world; and
(2) They're all asking for advice from some antiseptic-looking, Aqua-net fanatic named Abby, rather than their good friend Crackity Jones.

As part of my continuing efforts to make the world a better place through hurtful invective, I have decided to periodically rescue an advice-requesting letter from Dear Abby, and give the author the straight dope, Crackity Style. The following is an actual letter submitted to Dear Abby (http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/), accompanied by my response.

DEAR ABBY:
"I am in a relationship with a guy who does not like to kiss. We act like an old married couple. He's not affectionate or romantic in any way at all. He'll hold my hand in public, but that's it. I'm wondering if it's because of depression. He loves to work, but I think it's to cover his depression.

"He tells me every day that he loves me, and we never fight. We actually get along very well. Are some men just not affectionate? I would like to be, but I know he's not that type. My parents are not affectionate people, and they have been together for 38 years.

"My boyfriend has told me that he knows there is something wrong with him and that he needs counseling about his behavior. We have a lot in common and see each other every day, so we are definitely serious. We laugh and click in ways other than being romantic and passionate. Is there any hope?"

-- STARVED FOR AFFECTION IN BIRMINGHAM

DEAR STARVED:
There are several possible explanations for your boyfriend's behavior. Most likely, he has been repeatedly molested. Generally, this means that he got a handjob from some dude in his family when he was too young to enjoy it. Since you are from Birminham, Alabama, perhaps I should clarify why this is bad. If his hot older sister had done it, that would be okay; however, it was probably his Uncle Randy. That shit ain't cool.

That is all water under the bridge. What it means for you, and your future with this man, is that if you get knocked up, he's totally gonna rape your kid. If that sort of thing bothers you, I recommend that you adopt a Malaysian kid off the black market, as they come pre-molested. Also, since it's adopted, you won't care as much.

Now, let me backtrack a bit. I mentioned at the outset that there were several possible reasons for your boyfriend's reluctance to kiss you. Before you go and molest your adopted children, I think we should explore all of these possibilities.

For starters, you might be ugly. The tone of your letter does suggest that you are one of those Birmingham girls with a missing canine, a terrible dye-job, a purple tube-top, and almost-white acid-washed cut-off shorts. If your physical description includes that many hyphens, you're better off cruising the loop to scope out a new boyfriend. Preferably one with a Trans-Am and a wife-beater.

It is also entirely possible that you are a horrible kisser. Perhaps your boyfriend finds your physical appearance appealing, and enjoys being seen with you in public, but does not enjoy having his face swallowed. Everyone enjoys a little passion in their kisses, but if you are attempting to retrieve your car keys from his esophagus with your tongue, you are probably carrying things a bit far. As a rule, and as a training exercise, don't kiss your boyfriend in any way that you couldn't kiss a blow up doll.

Finally, this may all just be a simple case of poor timing. For example, are you constantly moving in for the kiss immediately after removing his dick from your mouth? No guy likes kissing a girl with warm, starchy cock-mouth. If you like to go straight from sucking to smooching, transition into it by sucking on an ice-cube for a minute or two. And wipe your chin.

Sincerely,
Crackity Jones