Dow, Crackity Jones Not Related

A strong February jobs report boosted stocks Friday, sending the Dow Jones to its highest level in more than three years. Crackity Jones, on the other hand, remains broke off his ass.

I have spent the past 16 hours researching my genealogy, and have found no mention of Dow Jones in the family tree. Perhaps, then, it is no coincidence that his financial success seems to have so little impact on my own life.


Crackity Jones' Portfolio

News of Dow's most recent upturn came via a Pawn Shop owner's hand-held RCA television, just as I was getting a stereo out of hock. This is a good thing, as it wasn't my stereo, but rather belonged to the Polish immigrant whose once-furnished apartment I have been subletting for the last two months. I feel somewhat guilty about pawning her belongings, but I had to pay the rent somehow. I figure if I donate blood three times each week, I can buy back her wedding photo and husband's urn by the end of the month.


I am considering various means of using this website to generate revenue. Possibilities include the following:

• Add a webcam feature with a pay-per-view service for visitors who would like to watch me eat gross food combinations, throw water balloons at hobos, or cry.
• Convert the site into an online auction house where I will offer my apartment owner's belongings for purchase. Of course, I would not send these items to anyone; however, as long as I am able to post pictures, and do not provide a forwarding address when I skip out unannounced a month early, I should be okay.
• Spend less time blogging, more time job-searching.
• Change my domain name to "dowjones.com"; sell it to that fucker.
• Hide out in the Senate, get men's room photos of otherwise anti-gay congressmen in compromising positions, threaten to post blackmail photos on this site for .00000001% of the world to see.
• Learn to code mind control script into html.

Stay tuned.