Things To Do When You're All Coked Up in Smithland, Iowa

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If you're ever driving from Salt Lake City to Vegas and find yourself in Smithland, Iowa, you're totally fucking lost, and it's probably because of the nose candy. Here's what you'll want to do . . .

1. Hit up the "Smithland Country Store" for some gas and snacks.

"I'm so hungry I could eat a human brain! Raaaaagh!"

You've been awake for eight days, and you're starting to get hungry. Better stop by the "Smithland Country Store" ASAP. It is the only place in town to purchase packaged foods, and it closes at 6:00 p.m. Get some gas, too. You'll need it when the irrepressible urge to get the fuck out of Smithland begins to consume you. Also, Darrell from down the street (and I do mean the street) has been banned from the Country Store, and will trade you some top-notch crystal meth if you let him siphon a gallon from your tank. That reminds me, pick up some lithium batteries, and in order to avoid raising too much suspicion, a camera.

2. Stop by Bob and Darrell's trailer.

The picture Bob and Darrell will take of themselves with the camera you picked up at the Country Store.

If you come straight from the Country Store, you should arrive at Bob and Darrell's trailer before 6:05, which is usually right about when the second keg gets tapped. Be prepared to contribute something insightful to the ongoing "Stroh's vs Milwaukees Best" Debate, so as not to appear as an outsider. It is important to forge a bond of trust with the locals, so that they will feel comfortable enough to let you in on little known local rituals.

3. Sacrifice an abducted baby to the Giant Bunny God.

Anonymous baby, moments before being devoured.

You don't know where Bob got the baby, but he's been freebasing angel dust all day and any attempt to physically deter him at this point would be futile. You thought all the talk about a Giant Bunny God was, well, just talk. Upon arriving at the Temple of the Giant Mound, however, you are surprised to find that you can see him, too. Absolutely horrifying. Get the fuck out of there before he gets hungry again.

4. Have a serious talk with Rusty.

Rusty

I mean honestly. This has gone on too long. What we have here is a classic case of fear of commitment. If you're going to wear the dress, you need to shave the chest. That's all. It's like Sonny and Cher swapped wardrobes. Fuck, man.

5. Get abducted by aliens.

Juanita, the town minority

You just filled up, and have only driven a block, but when you get back to Bob and Darrell's trailer, you find you are out of gas. You are a little suspicious of Darrell, who seems to be doing a lot of looking at the ground; however, Bob seems to be doing a lot of fondling his bucknife, so you're not in the mood to throw around accusations. You'll have to opt for a more efficient means of travel, and help is closer than you think. Juanita from next door will happily show you where she was abducted by aliens last week. With any luck, you'll be far from Smithland in no time.

Happy Travels.
- Crackity