Excerpts from My Exclusive Interview with Michael Jackson

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With opening statements completed and testimony underway, the child molestation trial of Michael Jackson is headline news, making this the ideal time to share some excerpts from my exclusive interview with the embattled pop star.
[Interview conducted February 14, 2005]


Michael Jackson searches in vain for his last shred of dignity.

Crackity Jones: Good morning Mr. Jackson.
Michael Jackson: Who are you?

CJ: Uh, my name is [redacted]. On the internet I go by "Crackity Jones." We had arranged to meet this morning.
MJ: Oh, yes. On the internet.

CJ: That's right. I'm the one you met on the internet.
MJ: You said you were 12.

CJ: Er, well, no. I'm 28.
MJ: I like little boys.

CJ: Yes, interesting. That's sort of why I'm here.
MJ: Oh! Well then come on in.

[At this point, I am escorted into Mr. Jackson's kitchen, and provided with Cherry Kool-Aid on ice in one of those Smurfs glasses that you used to be able to get at Hardee's before lawyers complained about giving children free, paper-thin glassware. It was delicious.]

CJ: So, Mr. Jackson.
MJ: You're silly.

CJ: You are known throughout the world as the "King of Pop" --
MJ: Yes. That's short for "King of Popping Ten-Year-Old Pelvises."

CJ: That's disgusting.
MJ: You should see the pictures.

CJ: No thank you. Is it true that you have your own elephant?
MJ: Play with my balls.

CJ: No. Please put your pants back on.
MJ: Just a little.

CJ: You're making me very uncomfortable.
MJ: They won't bite.

CJ: Uh, yeah. Speaking of that, is it true that you own a Siberian Tiger?
MJ: Yeah. It's true. My tiger's name is my balls. Don't try to change the subject.

CJ: Okay. That's pretty fucked up. Speaking of which, what is up with your balls? They're shaped like Grammy Awards.
MJ: I've had some work done.

CJ: That's it. I'm so fucking out of here.

[More scintillating details to come as the trial continues.]